Donkey Kong 64 all messed up
by I am homers evil
Summary: When Donkey kills squawks it starts to be a bad day.
1. Default Chapter

Donkey Kong 64 all messed up!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters because Chunky couldn't fit in my suitcase on the way home from DK64 Island. Chapter 1: The Intro 

Squawks: (Flies into Dk's cabin) Squawk, Squawk! DK wake up! K.Rool has…

Boom!

DK: Fu**ing Crows! *(Taken from the movie The Craic)

Squawk: (small voice) Dk… Go outside and see your lazy dad. (Dies)

Dk: Aw, Sh! t. Now I killed the poor thing.

Matt: (Appears) Hiya. I'm the author of this story and I'll be helping you and your lazy @$$ friends beat those slimy, filthy leech ridden reptilians..

 Kremling Viewer: Hey, I resent that!

Matt:  (furious) Yeah well resent this! (Pulls out chain gun and drills him)

Monkey Viewers: YAY!

Matt: Anyway I also came here to tell you the reason for this shamble. It all started when fat @$$ K. Rool decided to come back for some revenge. Yet on the journey over here he crashed his ship and damaged the engine. So now that the fat fu**er is shipwrecked he went and stole your rotten bananas and kidnapped them lasty @$$ friends of yours!

Monkey Viewers: GASP!!!

Matt: So you have to enrol on a diabolical journey to recover the bananas and rescue those friends of yours. Are you up for it?

Dk: ZZZZZZZZZZZ… Oh… What…???

Matt: :O Just go see Cranky you faggotitis suffering primate. (Slap him so hard he flies out the window. Revives Squawks)

What did u think. This is my first fanfic so don't be a rock hard critic.


	2. Donkey Kong 64 all messed up

Donkey Kong 64 all messed up.

Chapter 2: Consequences 

Disclaimer: I don't own any blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. Sorry for the absence and thank you very much for the reviews. You are all right. The story is random and that is the way I like it. Enjoy!

DK: (revives) Huh. Matt the piece of $h!t. Oh well let's go see Dad. (Walks to Cranky's house)

Cranky: What do you want now you fat fleabag mongo!

Monkey Viewer: Think about the children!

Matt: Think about this (drills monkey viewer with chain gun)

(Money Viewer riot starts)

Matt: Um... Free beverages at the end of the story if everyone sits down!

(Monkey Viewers sit down immediately)

DK: Now I need you to give me eye of newt...

Cranky: How cliché is that. Eye of newt, you make me sick

DK: I'm going to ignore that. I also need your best formula you have.

Cranky: It's called Viagra.

DK: NO!

Cranky: Oh, I mean Kickus Kremlinassius. The common name is Kick Kremlins Ass. This time it is in the form of a laser, not a potion...

DK: Thank God, those potions tasted like $h!t.

Cranky: (Whacks him with his cane) Shut up fleabag. As I said it is in the form of a laser. But I must warn you it is purely experimental I have no...

DK: (Already at the machine pointing it to his chest) Less yappin' more zappin'

Cranky: Uh... No I must tell you of the side effects.

Matt: (appears and slaps Cranky out of his tree house window)

The thing said zap, so zap I shall. (Pushes all the buttons on the control panel. A big red laser pops out of the end and hits him in the chest. It lasts for 5 seconds and shuts off)

Matt: How do you feel?

DK: DK, feel good.

Matt: Are you purposely talking like that?

DK: Yeah, but what's a monkey to do?

Matt: Yeah. All right who in the Kremlin Viewers would like to volunteer for an... a...um... magic...trick.

Huge Kremlin Viewer: I will. (Walks up to DK)

Matt: Now this is supposed to make you good at fighting. So go ahead...fight.

(DK punches the Kremlin. He just stands there. Suddenly the Kremlin starts laying into DK. Punches left, right, left, right, left, left, left, right. He then finished DK with a huge head but. Squawks come flying in slow like the game and drops a shotgun.)

Voice: Ooh, Shotgun.

(DK picks up the shotgun and blows the Kremlin away)

Voice: Donk, Donk, Donkey Kong (DK does is dance)

(DK puts his shotgun behind him and it disappears.)

Matt: Hey, they do that in the cartoons. Where does it go?

DK: Hey, all a monkeys got to know is where to put his stuff and how to get it out.

Matt: Don't backchat me! (Slaps him so hard he falls out the window again)

Kremlin: Hey you did that last chapter! You are a cliché!

Matt: OK, I should start something new! (Pulls out a flamethrower and sprays him)

End. What will happen next chapter. The quest will actually begin but the randomness will never stop,


	3. Chapter 3: Jabroni Jungle

**Donkey Kong 64 all messed up**

**Chapter 3: Jabroni Jungle**

Disclaimer: Yeah, you know the story.

Man, again I'm sorry for the long absence. Thanks to Cloudy-Skies86 for actually reading the second chapter even though you didn't like the first chapter.

DK: Well, Shotgun, check, Laser Side Effects, check, annoying narrator/story creator/Matt, check

Matt: (In a joking Texas voice) I'm goin' to kill you!

DK: Bite Me!

Matt: Is that a promise?

Monkey Viewer: YOU'RE WEIRD!

Matt: Now which weapon should I use now?

Monkey Viewer: I say those grenades look extra deadly today!

Matt: Good Choice. (Straps the grenade to the Monkey and slaps him out the window. An explosion follows and bits of shrapnel hit the Kremlin Viewers.)

Monkey Viewers: YAY!

DK: Anyway, where is Jabroni Jungle?

Matt: Uh, right in front of you.

(DK turns around to see a big wooden nameplate saying Jabroni Jungle.)

Matt: CoughDumbassCough

DK: Screw you!

(Then that big stupid annoying wooden mailbox thing that checks if you've got enough bananas to enter the stage appears.)

Big Stupid Annoying Wooden Mailbox Thing: Actually my name is Bob.

Bob: Anyway…(starts the growling voice) you need 1 banana to pass through! You haven't even got one.

DK: No but I do have (reaches behind his back and pulls out his shotgun) THIS! MWHAHAHAHAHA!!

(Bob slaps him)

DK: (starts crying) No fair… MATT!

Matt: What? Oh yeah. Release… THE TERMITES!!

(Bob gets eaten by the termites)

Matt: MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

DK: HEY! That's mine!

Matt: Yeah but at least I didn't get slapped when I said it!

(DK gives Matt the finger and enters. He emerges to find a jungle. The trees are purple and the lakes are pink)

DK: What the Fck!

Matt: Yeah…Um…My Bad. I ran out of green and blue colours, so I had to improvise.

Monkey Viewer: Hey, I've got green and blue! (He throws them to Matt. Matt fixes it)

DK: That's better! Hey look! It's Funky Smell Kong Armoury Store. I betcha he has some bad ass guns in there that shoot out huge missiles and blow up enemies to smithereens.

(Next Scene DK is talking to Funk Smell)

Funky Smell: Here is my masterpiece my man.

DK: An apple.

Funky Smell: Yeah. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. After you've eaten it you can throw the core at your enemies.

(DK's draw drops to the floor)

DK: This better be free.

Funky Smell: Free! No way! I'm charging 60 coins.

Matt: Now usually I encourage people mooching DK out of his money like this! Like when DK bought a "Limited Edition" Feather that apparently Boxing Legend Boxer Kong had used to sign his retirement for 1000 coins. Or when DK bought a "Mint Condition" Mint for 100 coins. But not this time. (Matt slaps Funky Smell out the window. He drops some napalm after him)

Matt: DK, You can use my Assault Rifle. I've installed infinite ammo, and you can change it from semi-automatic to fully automatic.

DK: Donk, Donk, Donkey Kong! (Does his dance)

Matt: But that means no Christmas present.

DK: Bitch! Alright. Diddy better appreciate this!

Well the next chapter everybody s going to be KUNG FU FIGHTING!! Please R&R.


	4. Save the Little One

**Donkey Kong 64 all messed up**

**Chapter 4: Save the Little One**

Do I even need to put a disclaimer in?

DK: Oh, woe is me!

Matt: What now?

DK: I thought I'd brush up on my Shakespeare skills.

Matt: Why bother?

DK: Because some of the Monkey Viewers are from the Shakespeare Organization.

Shakespeare Organiser Monkey Viewer: (In a very posh accent) Yes. And I find your fan fiction very appalling. Only one Shakespeare reference. A lot of killings. You definitely have lost a customer in me.

Matt: Well, there were a couple of people customers like you.

S.O.M.V: Beg your pardon?

Matt: Well, a couple of Kremlin Viewers complained. Where did they end up DK?

DK: Um… I think you shot one, slapped one, blew one up… and that was it?

Matt: The monkey viewers?

DK: You blew one up, shot one, and napalmed Funky.

Matt: So what should I do to this one?

DK: You haven't used your Laser yet.

Matt: Agreed.

S.O.M.V: Oh, please let me save you the trouble. (Walk over to the window and jumps out)

Matt: Fair enough.

DK: Well… I think Stingy is up there.

Matt: Why do you say that?

DK: Because it is the highest and most impossible place to reach.

Matt: I can get you up there real fast.

DK: How?

Matt: (Pulls out an AK) Run bitch!

(DK scrambles up the wall so fast there is a trail of smoke after him. He reached the top in twelve seconds flat)

DK: Stingy! STINGY!

Stingy: Over here.

(DK releases Stingy)

DK: I'm so happy to see you!

Stingy: Yeah. Um… DK. I don't know how to say this. But I… uh…ate some food of yours.

DK: What was it?

Stingy: I stole your mints and bananas and ate all of them.

DK: Oh…that is alright let's have a look at this view ay?

Stingy: Yeah!

(DK and Stingy walk over to the edge of the cliff. DK then throws Stingy off the edge.)

DK: THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO EAT ALL MY FOOD! YOU FOOL!

Matt: WOW! I'm impressed!

DK: Yeah. Can I borrow your Napalm. Just in case he is alive?

Matt: Sure!

(DK drops the Napalm. The jungle is in flames)

Matt: C'mon. The boss is next.

Well. Enough till the next chapter. The boss fight is the next chapter. Cheers and R&R!


	5. Chapter 5: Armouryellow

Donkey Kong 64 All Messed Up: Chapter 5

**Armouryellow**

Disclaimer: Do I really need to say it?

(When we last left the hero (Matt) and the zero (DK), the dumb DK kicked Stingy Kong off a cliff. What does Matt have to say about that?)

Matt: Pfft.

(The hero has spoken. Now, on with the story)

DK: Now I need to get to the boss.

The fat hippo: FEED HIM!

The small rhino: FEED ME!

Matt: No.

The small rhino: Fine. My friend here is very persuasive. (He cracks his knuckles)

The fat hippo: (In a whinging voice) C'mon feed him.

Matt: No

The fat hippo: C'mon. I'll be your friend.

Matt: Move fatty.

The fat hippo: I tried. (He moves out of the way. DK goes through the door.)

(When he enters he sees a huge armadillo with rockets and a yellow, steel shell.)

Amouryellow: FEE FI FO FUM! No wait, wrong story. TO BE THE MAN, WOOO, YOU GOTTA BEAT THE MAN! Getting closer… Oh Yeah, BRING IT ON YOU FLEA RIDDEN, VINE SWINGING, TREE HUGGING, BANANA EATING, ASSAULT RIFLE TOTING…

Matt: Mate, shut up.

Armouryellow: No. You shut up!

Matt: You shut up times infinity times…DK just shoot him.

DK: Righto.

(DK starts spraying bullets at Armouryellow. Unfortunately for DK, Armouryellow rolls into an armour ball and reflects all the bullets. Fortunately for the story, the bullets all ricochet into the crowd.)

Monkey Viewers and Kremlin Viewers: This is unacceptable. We've watched our fellow creatures being tortured, shot, slapped out of windows and blown up. This is the most…

(Matt pulls out some napalm)

Monkey Viewers and Kremlin Viewers: beautiful thing I've ever seen.

(Anyway. DK waits until Armouryellow is out of his ball. DK just walks up and slaps him. Armouryellow gets so offended he rolls out of the window. As an addition, he rolls over them pesky monkey viewers)

Monkey Viewer: OI!

Matt: (Sighs) When will they ever learn?

(Matt drives his McLaren over him)

Well it looks like a boss is beaten and a key is found. What does DK do with the key? What will happen in the next chapter? Find out in Chapter 6: Alzheimer's Aztec


End file.
